It was the first time I was bringing my husband to an appointment. We didn’t know that we could find out that day the sex of our baby. We were unprepared for the results. We had the nurse write the answer down and put it in an envelope. We would find the right place and the right time to open it.
But as life would have it, our search for the right time and place was hit with traffic and the every day chaos of our lives. We opted to do the reveal on a popular trail near our home at dusk. We stood there on a little bridge over a little brook, my husband filming me as I opened the envelope to the news that we were going to have a boy.
My first reaction was shock, followed quickly by disappointment. I wanted a girl so very badly and it was a major let down for me. My husband wanted a girl as well, so we both just stood there in disappointment.
At that moment, everything that I had imagined had changed. All my hopes and dreams were turned on its head. Truth be told I always imagined having a boy first, followed by a girl, but when the reality of starting a family came to be, I feared that my husband wouldn’t want a second child. If I was only going to have one, I wanted a girl.
It wasn’t because of the bows and the pretty outfits. It was so much more than that. I wanted to be the mom I needed growing up. My mother, while she did her best, was not equipped with the mentoring skills I longed for in a mom. She did a great job managing my schedule and staying on top of my schooling and activities, but when it came to the lessons I needed in becoming a woman, I didn’t get what I needed from her as hard as she tried.
I wanted to provide a daughter with the guidance my mother couldn’t give me. I wanted to help a daughter, a girl, understand her importance, her worth. I wanted to raise a daughter who demanded respect, who was smart but open minded, who didn’t feel the need to compete or feel jealous. I wanted to raise a daughter who was kind and generous, who somehow was above all the drama and cattiness that girls put each other through (as if I’d have control over that). I wanted to raise a girl who didn’t take shit from boys who only knew her outer beauty and took her inner beauty for granted. I wanted to raise a girl that was better than me.
And now, I may never have that chance, and I have to be okay with it. Because the day I learned that I was having a boy changed my life. I was given the opportunity to raise the kind of man that I admire. The kind of man that respects everyone, who is strong and dedicated and willing to stand up for what’s right. The kind of man who works hard and loves his family and friends. The kind of man who is open minded and lives life to the fullest.
And when I look at my little boy, so filled with joy all the time, I wouldn’t change a thing.